How does it feel to confront hard relationship choices? How can we truly listen to one another? What counts as infidelity? Paul and Eli unpack Before Sunset—the sequel to Before Sunrise—which features Jesse (Ethan Hawke) and Céline (Julie Delpy) unexpectedly reunited in Paris, confronting the past and changing the future.

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Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:00: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:15: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:25: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

7:00: (Eli) How do we react when our relationships are just “fine”?

• We expect personal growth from our marriage book by Eli

• Many divorces involve low-distress couples study by Dr. Amato

• Many people who commit infidelity aren’t unhappy in their relationship study by Dr. Lewandowski

8:50: (Paul) Feelings of commitment aren’t sufficient to sustain a relationship

• A triangular theory of love review by Dr. Sternberg

• People have a hard time self-reporting that they are committed and unhappy study by Dr. Kim

13:20: (Eli): The “truth” about relationships is structured (and restructured) through narrative

• Trust (generously) distorts our memories of conflict study by Dr. Luchies

15:15: (Paul): Major life events can alter our attachment styles

• The interpretation of life events drives attachment style change study by Dr. Fraley

17:30: (Eli): The role of callbacks in responsive listening

• How to be a good listener review by Dr. Itzchakov

• Reconnecting with lost friends/partners during the pandemic study by Dr. Brody

Misconceptions in the movie

22:05: (Paul) The “hedonic treadmill” is not well illustrated by lottery winners

• Classic demonstration that winning the lottery doesn’t promote long-term happiness study by Dr. Brickman

• Newer evidence that lottery wins promote happiness study by Dr. Gardner

23:40: (Eli) The film implies that compatibility is about finding the right partner

• Compatibility is mostly about building the relationship together review by Paul

26:20: (Paul) Céline implies that women deliberately underestimate how many sex partners they’ve had

• Men estimate—but women precisely count—former partners study by Dr. Brown

27:25: (Eli) The movie suggests that Jesse isn’t turned off by Céline’s aggressive behavior

• Contempt is a strong predictor of divorce book by Dr. Gottman

“Are we ok with this?”

29:00: (Eli) When, if at all, do Jesse and Céline become “unfaithful” regarding their current partners?

30:15: (Paul) How does it feel to be pulled in different directions by competing desires and responsibilities?

33:10: (Eli) Under what circumstances should we fight for a partner rather than accepting their efforts to leave?

Relationship Quotes!

35:05: (Eli) We can make somebody angry if we come onto them when we’re not actually available

36:05: (Paul): Random events exert outside influence on relationship trajectories

37:30: (Eli) The anti-romantic experience of coparenting young children

What do we wish we knew?

38:40: (Paul) How do people confront hard choices?

• Choices are hard when two options are equally good, but for incomparable reasons article by Dr. Chang

40:30: (Eli) Do we make major relationship choices in one consequential moment vs. across many small moments?

• Relationship commitment emerges through many small moments, not through one major decision review by Dr. Joel

42:05: (Eli) When do we get upset if our partner shares private information with others?

42:55: (Eli) How does a long time gap between meetings influence a relationship?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships.

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil